bipolarnight

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-09T18:13:00

2005-07-09T22:16:08Z

We make the trade; the day we're born
A mouthful for a bit of soul
But you took too much, too hard you know
And running for you life, made you grow old
And that morning rain turned dust to mud
You gained an open road for your flesh and blood
Now there's no one left, for you to love
So ride on.

~this journal is finished now, goodbye.

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-08T01:29:00

2005-07-08T05:29:37Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY B-BOP!

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-07T22:29:00

2005-07-08T02:33:53Z

so today i went to toronto. and i bought a new black shirt to hopefully wear tomorrow night, which was good. But then i had to go to the dentist. and they grided and picked, and hurt my teeth, and that wasnt good. My dentist said i need a new mouth gaurd, she said i'm a "lifer". (teeth grinding). She also said i have numorous cavities that need the ol drill & fill. So oh joy, i get to go there and have that done on the 28th. and the thursday before THAT one, i have a three hour psychiatric evalutation at the centre for addiction and mental health! oh yeah, what a fun next thursdays i will be enjoying.

agknaogmnapogmlagaW4RHJLK, says i

(andrew called today, five days later, jerk. he wants to hang out on monday. you'd better, bitch)

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-07T14:28:00

2005-07-07T18:29:14Z

http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=ilovedeath_izolita

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-06T03:50:00

2005-07-06T07:52:31Z

everyday its something else. tonight i heard nothing whisper "psst!" and then a thump and dragging across the floor above me. i saw a shadow last night, someone coming down the stairs. Am i going out of my fucking mind?

horrorscope of the day

2005-07-05T05:01:38Z

Things may not be working out so well in the love and romance department for you today, Alison. You might just want to sit back and wait for this storm to pass. The tension that is brewing has to do with over-inflated egos and other people's need for more freedom. These are issues that you do not necessarily want to get tangled in the middle of. Do your best to stay rational and reasonable during this tumultuous time.

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-04T03:15:00

2005-07-04T07:26:41Z

Nocturnum Spectaculara. The night magic, watching the things that happen so late when you're wide awake when you want to be, that you might not get the chance to see if you're awake because you have to be.

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-03T00:43:00

2005-07-03T04:44:05Z

http://www.live8live.com/list/

please sign.

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-02T14:13:00

2005-07-02T18:15:58Z

"so you never meant to end up with him?"
"no! When he started coming around i wa hoping he could get me back into our old group of friends! i swear on my life i never meant to end up with him, let alone for this long. Your uncle said to me one day that he knew scott wanted us all to be a family, i swear to god alison i freaked out. I said "could i really date this guy?"

..........and here we are a decade later, and we've been unhappy for more than half of it.

(last night i dreamt that dean armstrong was a woman, and paintings of breasts with thick colours of sky and navy blue, and blackberries for nipples.)

bipolarnight @ 2005-07-01T20:19:00

2005-07-02T00:19:10Z

in here, we all drip fire.

a memo to my sister, a complaint about life

2005-06-30T05:46:12Z

fuck you. right off the bat, fuck you. What? Because you're older and you've had your whole life with him and i'm fucking fifteen years old i'm supposed to take away from your shining fucking wisdom? why are you living on the other side of the country if everythings so peachy now?! Wow, he drank and he smoked pot. big fucking deal. i put up with "parents" like that all the time today. This is MY life, maybe if he'd stuck around like he did when he was with you guys everything would've been different, and i wouldnt have a shitload of reasons to stay so angry. You've had your whole life to forgive him because how old was he when he had you? 27? He was FORTY-7 when he had me. I dont have my life to work through the fact that maybe if he hadnt chose crack over me and mom then maybe i wouldnt have had to be banished to a life of emotion, verbal and sexual abuse. fathers are supposed to protect you. he could be dead before i get out of high school. we were all suruprised when he turned 60, so dont act like that shock excludes you, my dear sister. i wont have the opportunities that've had to right everything and confront him. cuz now, whenever i try to, long before when i should because i know there wont BE a later, all of you tell me to let it go, he's too old now. I should just except that thats the type of man he is, and thats it. I can take him as he is or always be resentful towards him. all this shit that hes partially responsible for, the thousands of dollars hes trying to get out of paying us STILL. Even though hes a newly found christian, rehab'd, shamed, clean, outta booze, and smokes, still, hes scamming me. He's STILL a bastard. The less he wants to know about how awful i feel or the shit i've been through the happier he is. What the fuck kind of father is that? A father that cant even send $200 a month. A loser. The way you act so presumptious, the way you're angry with me for being angry with him. How the fuck is it your business again? i've seen you 2 times in the last 12 years, and i pretend to care. I don't like the person i see when i see you, Tar. Because i see dad. And it scares me when everyone refers to you as "our fathers daughter". I pray to nothing that one day you'll smarten up and see why its to wrong to go down the same road as he did, minus the drugs. At least he had a half ass, high, fucked up excuse. What have you got? A new new new new new new new man, yet again, a job as a nurse nurse nurse until the brand new super job is no more. But thats okay you'll just move again and forget all about the rest of us. We forget about you, it works for everyone. Tim's sucluded with a wife and kids, i think hes the only one who isnt REALLY fucked in his head, and we're the bipolar ones, not you and andy. Not that andy cares, he works for a fucking mental health clinic but couldnt get me some help. but all of you care sooooo much. fuck it. i cant think about it anymore cuz it hurts way too damn much. I have 3 dead siblings and a father thats been dying since long before i was born.

My mother seems to just be getting more and more insane as the days go by, and i want to cry because shes all i have left. i fucking hate scott for poisoning her. i cant think about that either, about how beautiful i can imagine she was once. Thanks to the long line of men that fucked her up, just like me. If anyone says thats why i'm a lesbian, i'll come to your bedroom window and pull you out. then i'll stab you to death in your driveway and hang you up outside your door by your guts. I wish that i had friends that i can actually go to, or trust, but it frightens me to death the amount of uselessness and mindfucking, backstabbing, whocares and fuck you's that go around between us. I have never, and probably never will be anyones #1 important person. I wont even be my own #1. which is fine, i'm not pretending to be an emo pathetic bitch, it'll all pass, but this is me, tainted, forever. i pity whoever i end up with. if i do. It's gonna be okay. It will. Maybe i can eventually convince myself of that if i just keep saying it. I really want to be able to say, we'll pull together. WHO? i'm alone, i'm alone alone alone. Life isnt pain, at least it shouldnt be. I'm not gonna go and slit my wrists and cry. i'm going to finish typing and go and watch a movie, or sleep. and i can sleep, because i know i'm strong, and no one can take that away from me. even if thats the only powerful personality trait i ever carry, i'll hold on to it and never let go.

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-29T22:00:00

2005-06-30T02:00:43Z

i cant forget.
me:"if you could have any sort of power what would it be?"
mom:"to make people love me."
me:"that wouldn't make you feel like you're playing God? or like what you're doing is wrong? to plan with people and their emotions like puppets on a string?"
mom:"nope. it would make me happy."

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-29T21:40:00

2005-06-30T01:40:30Z

Take the quiz: "Which Dead Rock Star Are You?"

Jeff Buckley
You are Jeff Buckley! You're influential to many young and old, and very talented. You have charisma and grace that sets you a part from many. You are beautiful! Oh, he died in 1997 from a drug-induced drowning in the Mississippi River.

dear _______

2005-06-28T02:27:24Z

sometimes i pretend not to know what an asshole i am. and sometimes it works. but there are the other times where noticing EXACTLY how much of an asshole i am really fucking eats away at me. I know how frustrated i get with you, i'm a prick. I'm a sorry pick though, and i hope that counts for something. I know i'm not always willing to do something impromptu, because i'm a recluse. I keep thinking about all the shitty things i've done or said to you. What makes me sick is thinking about them, and then remembering the times when i ask you to come out with me, or do something so fucking trivial and small(or so it seems to me, anyways) and how happy it makes you. even if i may not be the most happy or comfortable due to the sheer fact that we do not share all eachothers likes, even if i may not be the most gratified, or comfortable, its worth seeing you smile truly. That over happy laugh we've all grown accustom to pains me more than relieves me. I know that when i make you laugh you tell me to fuck off because everyone thinks i'm so tough. but i'm not. look at this entry. how much of a badass am i now? raw and apologetic, alison.

I'll designate myself
to be the driver who takes you home
I keep the walls from falling down

You can be pretty and tragic
I'll try to keep the walls from falling down
you can be beautiful and fabulous
I'll try to keep the walls from falling down
I can't reach the pain you feel
but I'll try to keep the walls from falling down
if you can hold on
lose your fear
I'll try to keep the walls from falling down

Where's you saint
to let you know you're not alone
to bring you peace
help me be your friend you confidante
and the walls from falling down

"It's Okay" - Tracy Chapman

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-27T20:00:00

2005-06-28T00:23:35Z

i'm going insane waiting. waiting for something terrible, something horribly awful, to happen. WHERE THE FUCK DID I LEAVE THAT OTHER SHOE HANGING UP?! i dont feel so well suddenly, i'm scared it might fall on my head, suspended from the ceiling. Like some kind of hostile fucking inverted footwear.

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-27T13:31:00

2005-06-27T17:34:28Z

In response to Honeybunk's entry about Silence of the Lambs, w0rd. WTF was the whole "Oh yeah, we're manly men, SPIKE shows this movie, uncut." but all the bad words will bleep out or dubbed over. By uncut did they mean without commercials? Because those were most definitely shown. oh, i dont understand. (i'm still looking for the earwig that got away)

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-27T02:16:00

2005-06-27T06:18:53Z

i have very few regrets. I think. I question a lot of what i think and say. So I'll write with my hands, not think with my brain or speak with my mouth.

1. I regret not saying anything sooner about Bob.
2. I regret having built a life for myself that i notice more and more often is a lie.
3. I regret not being to say "I have no regrets".

it hid behide picasso

2005-06-27T05:58:37Z

its official. i have just seen my first earwig of summer. I tried to smoosh it, but it got away. yes, i have failed. but thats okay but there will be plenty of creepy things that wiggle along this summer for me to squish. but stillllll *whines* it got awaayyyy. it hid behide picasso for eff sakes.

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-26T09:56:00

2005-06-26T13:56:58Z

off to pride!!! w000t! uh oh, jodis here. BYE!!!

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-25T20:18:00

2005-06-26T00:20:20Z

I have given, I have given
And got none
Still I’m driven by something I can’t explain
It’s not a cross, it is a choice
I cannot help but hear his voice
I only wish that I could listen without shame

Let it rain
Let it rain on me
Let it rain, oh let it rain
Let it rain on me

I have been a witness to the perfect crime
I wipe the grin off of my face to hide the blame
It isn’t worth the tears you cry to have a perfect alibi
Now I’m beaten at the hands of my own game

It isn’t easy to be kind
With all these demons in my mind
I only hope one day I’ll be free
I do my best not to complain
My face is dirty from the strain
I only hope one day I’ll come clean

Come take my hand
We can walk to the light
And without fear
We can see through the darkest night

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-25T15:46:00

2005-06-25T19:51:52Z

Which is better? Being aggrivated and pissed for weeks and weeks and then snapping? Or the first time that something you can clearly see will continute to happen, happens, should you nip it in the bud? I don't get it. I almost always choose the first one. And its funny that way, if you wait and wait whoever you yell at/bitch out/confront will act like they're the victim in the situation. But if you catch it the first time you see it happening, your attacker will clearly admit and apologize for their mistake. Or so i've found. Maybe i'm just fucked up, probably.

The transit site's working again. So the Eagle-Gorham bus will come at 9:34am, i will get to the terminal at 9:45, and will have until 10:35 when the Finch B bus comes to twiddle my fucking thumbs all alone. Hurray for solitude! barf.

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-25T13:26:00

2005-06-25T17:46:32Z

grr this is really bugging me. there was a shitload of people going to pride and now there isnt. paying to get down there and back is gonna be a biiiiiitch. i'm trying to find the schedule for the eagle gorham bus so i can figure out which Finch B bus to take, but of course, why would the site be working??? Silly me, thinking websites work when you need them to! AURG!

http://www.yorkregiontransit.com/
http://www.gotransit.com/publicroot/newversion/pubnsch.asp?table=62&direction=0&day=7&page=1

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-23T23:17:00

2005-06-24T03:21:40Z

"Stay? Will you stay with me?" she asks, pretending to feel emotionally raw. She figures deep down inside if she acts as if she needs him there, it will appease all his fears and make him feel more like a man. She sees it, "working". Has it though? He stays, but she can never be sure if she has mastered his masculinity, because she will never be him.

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-22T21:16:00

2005-06-23T01:19:09Z

adolescence is brutality
attempting to be yourself when you see what others are expecting of you makes it just that much more difficult
being told that no one knows what you are really like, and that is what makes you so
devious/mysterious/seductive adds far too much pressure
aching normalities bring forth the days when you just want everyone to know exactly how you're feeling
these are the exact same days when everyone thinks you are acting out of character

bipolarnight @ 2005-06-19T16:12:00

2005-06-19T20:19:13Z

What do you talk about when you sit outside together? What can there be to say that isn't "i'm leaving you, I'm getting out of here?"?
How long can you hold those cards in your hands?
Why can i feel so happy and hopefull but exposed and exhausted and inhumane?
I just said how connected i feel to everyone last night to E. but now.... welcome back apathy.
the days where i try so hard to make it apparant that i just want to give up are completely useless.
the only time anyone ever notices me is when i make my presence known to help them.
maybe a more articulate job choice that i had originally imagined.
i just want to feel fufilled, like i know there is someone there to make me real, make me feel like there is blood in these slowed veins.
I want this ache to go away.

thinking about what other people will read or say or think is ridiculous, go, leave, get out of here. i do not care. leave your comments, fly away.