Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bipolarnight's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, July 9th, 2005
6:13 pm	We make the trade; the day we're born A mouthful for a bit of soul But you took too much, too hard you know And running for you life, made you grow old And that morning rain turned dust to mud You gained an open road for your flesh and blood Now there's no one left, for you to love So ride on. ~this journal is finished now, goodbye. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 8th, 2005
1:29 am	HAPPY BIRTHDAY B-BOP! Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
10:29 pm	so today i went to toronto. and i bought a new black shirt to hopefully wear tomorrow night, which was good. But then i had to go to the dentist. and they grided and picked, and hurt my teeth, and that wasnt good. My dentist said i need a new mouth gaurd, she said i'm a "lifer". (teeth grinding). She also said i have numorous cavities that need the ol drill & fill. So oh joy, i get to go there and have that done on the 28th. and the thursday before THAT one, i have a three hour psychiatric evalutation at the centre for addiction and mental health! oh yeah, what a fun next thursdays i will be enjoying. agknaogmnapogmlagaW4RHJLK, says i (andrew called today, five days later, jerk. he wants to hang out on monday. you'd better, bitch) Current Mood: tired (2 Comments |Comment on this)
2:28 pm	http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=ilovedeath_izolita Current Mood: energetic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
3:50 am	everyday its something else. tonight i heard nothing whisper "psst!" and then a thump and dragging across the floor above me. i saw a shadow last night, someone coming down the stairs. Am i going out of my fucking mind? Current Mood: ? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
1:01 am	horrorscope of the day Things may not be working out so well in the love and romance department for you today, Alison. You might just want to sit back and wait for this storm to pass. The tension that is brewing has to do with over-inflated egos and other people's need for more freedom. These are issues that you do not necessarily want to get tangled in the middle of. Do your best to stay rational and reasonable during this tumultuous time. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 4th, 2005
3:15 am	Nocturnum Spectaculara. The night magic, watching the things that happen so late when you're wide awake when you want to be, that you might not get the chance to see if you're awake because you have to be. Current Mood: interested (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
12:43 am	http://www.live8live.com/list/ please sign. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
2:13 pm	"so you never meant to end up with him?" "no! When he started coming around i wa hoping he could get me back into our old group of friends! i swear on my life i never meant to end up with him, let alone for this long. Your uncle said to me one day that he knew scott wanted us all to be a family, i swear to god alison i freaked out. I said "could i really date this guy?" ..........and here we are a decade later, and we've been unhappy for more than half of it. (last night i dreamt that dean armstrong was a woman, and paintings of breasts with thick colours of sky and navy blue, and blackberries for nipples.) Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
8:19 pm	in here, we all drip fire. Current Mood: complacent (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
1:22 am	a memo to my sister, a complaint about life fuck you. right off the bat, fuck you. What? Because you're older and you've had your whole life with him and i'm fucking fifteen years old i'm supposed to take away from your shining fucking wisdom? why are you living on the other side of the country if everythings so peachy now?! Wow, he drank and he smoked pot. big fucking deal. i put up with "parents" like that all the time today. This is MY life, maybe if he'd stuck around like he did when he was with you guys everything would've been different, and i wouldnt have a shitload of reasons to stay so angry. You've had your whole life to forgive him because how old was he when he had you? 27? He was FORTY-7 when he had me. I dont have my life to work through the fact that maybe if he hadnt chose crack over me and mom then maybe i wouldnt have had to be banished to a life of emotion, verbal and sexual abuse. fathers are supposed to protect you. he could be dead before i get out of high school. we were all suruprised when he turned 60, so dont act like that shock excludes you, my dear sister. i wont have the opportunities that've had to right everything and confront him. cuz now, whenever i try to, long before when i should because i know there wont BE a later, all of you tell me to let it go, he's too old now. I should just except that thats the type of man he is, and thats it. I can take him as he is or always be resentful towards him. all this shit that hes partially responsible for, the thousands of dollars hes trying to get out of paying us STILL. Even though hes a newly found christian, rehab'd, shamed, clean, outta booze, and smokes, still, hes scamming me. He's STILL a bastard. The less he wants to know about how awful i feel or the shit i've been through the happier he is. What the fuck kind of father is that? A father that cant even send $200 a month. A loser. The way you act so presumptious, the way you're angry with me for being angry with him. How the fuck is it your business again? i've seen you 2 times in the last 12 years, and i pretend to care. I don't like the person i see when i see you, Tar. Because i see dad. And it scares me when everyone refers to you as "our fathers daughter". I pray to nothing that one day you'll smarten up and see why its to wrong to go down the same road as he did, minus the drugs. At least he had a half ass, high, fucked up excuse. What have you got? A new new new new new new new man, yet again, a job as a nurse nurse nurse until the brand new super job is no more. But thats okay you'll just move again and forget all about the rest of us. We forget about you, it works for everyone. Tim's sucluded with a wife and kids, i think hes the only one who isnt REALLY fucked in his head, and we're the bipolar ones, not you and andy. Not that andy cares, he works for a fucking mental health clinic but couldnt get me some help. but all of you care sooooo much. fuck it. i cant think about it anymore cuz it hurts way too damn much. I have 3 dead siblings and a father thats been dying since long before i was born. My mother seems to just be getting more and more insane as the days go by, and i want to cry because shes all i have left. i fucking hate scott for poisoning her. i cant think about that either, about how beautiful i can imagine she was once. Thanks to the long line of men that fucked her up, just like me. If anyone says thats why i'm a lesbian, i'll come to your bedroom window and pull you out. then i'll stab you to death in your driveway and hang you up outside your door by your guts. I wish that i had friends that i can actually go to, or trust, but it frightens me to death the amount of uselessness and mindfucking, backstabbing, whocares and fuck you's that go around between us. I have never, and probably never will be anyones #1 important person. I wont even be my own #1. which is fine, i'm not pretending to be an emo pathetic bitch, it'll all pass, but this is me, tainted, forever. i pity whoever i end up with. if i do. It's gonna be okay. It will. Maybe i can eventually convince myself of that if i just keep saying it. I really want to be able to say, we'll pull together. WHO? i'm alone, i'm alone alone alone. Life isnt pain, at least it shouldnt be. I'm not gonna go and slit my wrists and cry. i'm going to finish typing and go and watch a movie, or sleep. and i can sleep, because i know i'm strong, and no one can take that away from me. even if thats the only powerful personality trait i ever carry, i'll hold on to it and never let go. Current Mood: devastated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
10:00 pm	i cant forget. me:"if you could have any sort of power what would it be?" mom:"to make people love me." me:"that wouldn't make you feel like you're playing God? or like what you're doing is wrong? to plan with people and their emotions like puppets on a string?" mom:"nope. it would make me happy." Current Mood: worried Current Music: tracy chapman (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:40 pm	Take the quiz: "Which Dead Rock Star Are You?" Jeff Buckley You are Jeff Buckley! You're influential to many young and old, and very talented. You have charisma and grace that sets you a part from many. You are beautiful! Oh, he died in 1997 from a drug-induced drowning in the Mississippi River. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 27th, 2005
10:15 pm	dear _______ sometimes i pretend not to know what an asshole i am. and sometimes it works. but there are the other times where noticing EXACTLY how much of an asshole i am really fucking eats away at me. I know how frustrated i get with you, i'm a prick. I'm a sorry pick though, and i hope that counts for something. I know i'm not always willing to do something impromptu, because i'm a recluse. I keep thinking about all the shitty things i've done or said to you. What makes me sick is thinking about them, and then remembering the times when i ask you to come out with me, or do something so fucking trivial and small(or so it seems to me, anyways) and how happy it makes you. even if i may not be the most happy or comfortable due to the sheer fact that we do not share all eachothers likes, even if i may not be the most gratified, or comfortable, its worth seeing you smile truly. That over happy laugh we've all grown accustom to pains me more than relieves me. I know that when i make you laugh you tell me to fuck off because everyone thinks i'm so tough. but i'm not. look at this entry. how much of a badass am i now? raw and apologetic, alison. I'll designate myself to be the driver who takes you home I keep the walls from falling down You can be pretty and tragic I'll try to keep the walls from falling down you can be beautiful and fabulous I'll try to keep the walls from falling down I can't reach the pain you feel but I'll try to keep the walls from falling down if you can hold on lose your fear I'll try to keep the walls from falling down Where's you saint to let you know you're not alone to bring you peace help me be your friend you confidante and the walls from falling down "It's Okay" - Tracy Chapman Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: tracy chapman (3 Comments |Comment on this)
8:00 pm	i'm going insane waiting. waiting for something terrible, something horribly awful, to happen. WHERE THE FUCK DID I LEAVE THAT OTHER SHOE HANGING UP?! i dont feel so well suddenly, i'm scared it might fall on my head, suspended from the ceiling. Like some kind of hostile fucking inverted footwear. Current Music: outta my fuckin mind (Comment on this)
1:31 pm	In response to Honeybunk's entry about Silence of the Lambs, w0rd. WTF was the whole "Oh yeah, we're manly men, SPIKE shows this movie, uncut." but all the bad words will bleep out or dubbed over. By uncut did they mean without commercials? Because those were most definitely shown. oh, i dont understand. (i'm still looking for the earwig that got away) (Comment on this)
2:16 am	i have very few regrets. I think. I question a lot of what i think and say. So I'll write with my hands, not think with my brain or speak with my mouth. 1. I regret not saying anything sooner about Bob. 2. I regret having built a life for myself that i notice more and more often is a lie. 3. I regret not being to say "I have no regrets". Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
1:56 am	it hid behide picasso its official. i have just seen my first earwig of summer. I tried to smoosh it, but it got away. yes, i have failed. but thats okay but there will be plenty of creepy things that wiggle along this summer for me to squish. but stillllll *whines* it got awaayyyy. it hid behide picasso for eff sakes. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
9:56 am	off to pride!!! w000t! uh oh, jodis here. BYE!!! Current Mood: excited (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
8:18 pm	I have given, I have given And got none Still I’m driven by something I can’t explain It’s not a cross, it is a choice I cannot help but hear his voice I only wish that I could listen without shame Let it rain Let it rain on me Let it rain, oh let it rain Let it rain on me I have been a witness to the perfect crime I wipe the grin off of my face to hide the blame It isn’t worth the tears you cry to have a perfect alibi Now I’m beaten at the hands of my own game It isn’t easy to be kind With all these demons in my mind I only hope one day I’ll be free I do my best not to complain My face is dirty from the strain I only hope one day I’ll come clean Come take my hand We can walk to the light And without fear We can see through the darkest night Current Mood: crushed Current Music: "let it rain" amanda marshall (Comment on this)